The perils of teaching your child the "wrong" way of expressing themselves.
As parents, one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is emotional awareness—helping them understand their feelings and how to express them in a healthy way. A key aspect of this is teaching them the subtle but important difference between saying "I am sad" and "I feel sad." This distinction, is foundational for a child's emotional development.
Why the Difference Matters
When a child says, "I am sad," they are identifying their entire self with that emotion.
It can feel all-encompassing, as if sadness defines who they are at that moment. This can lead to feeling trapped in the emotion, making it harder to process or move through it.
On the other hand, when they say, "I feel sad," the sadness is seen as a temporary state (and states last up to 90sec), something they are experiencing rather than something that defines them.
It creates a psychological space between the child and their emotions, empowering them to manage their feelings more effectively.
How to Teach This to Your Child
Acknowledge Their Feelings: When your child expresses that they are sad, validate their emotions first. Saying, "I see that you're feeling really sad right now," lets them know that their emotions are understood and respected. Validation opens the door to teaching them more about their feelings.
Introduce the Concept Gently: You can explain to your child that sadness is something that comes and goes, just like when they're hungry or tired. For example, say, "Right now, you're feeling sad, but that doesn't mean you're always sad. Feelings come and go, and it’s okay to feel sad sometimes."
Model the Language: Children learn by example, so use this language in your own conversations - model it. When you're feeling frustrated, for example, say, "I feel frustrated because things aren't going as planned," instead of "I am frustrated." This way, you’re showing them how to separate their identity from their emotions.
Practice Together: Create opportunities for your child to practice this distinction. After a difficult moment, reflect with them: "You felt really sad when your toy broke. I wonder what you're feeling now." This allows them to begin recognizing how their emotions shift and evolve.
The Benefits of This Approach
Teaching your child the difference between "I am sad" and "I feel sad" encourages emotional resilience. They’ll learn that feelings are not permanent states and that they have the power to acknowledge and move through them. This understanding also fosters a sense of control and prevents feelings from becoming overwhelming.
By incorporating this language into daily conversations, you’re helping your child develop emotional intelligence, a skill that will serve them throughout their life. This small but powerful change in how we talk about emotions empowers children to see that they are more than their feelings, which is a significant step toward emotional maturity.
Final Thoughts
It is so important to teach our children to separate their feelings from their identity. So next time your child says, "I am sad," consider gently reminding them, "You feel sad right now," and watch as they start to better understand, process, and express their emotions.
Based on The Whole Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson,
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